Things John L Says

You may remember that I’ve mentioned John L before. He’s Cory’s grandfather’s brother…his great-uncle, or something. He’s probably about 65,I guess, and he’s got a moderate case of Alzheimers. He knows where he is, who he is, and he can recognize the people who come to his house on a regular basis, so he’s not that far gone. Also, he kinda looks like this guy:

Like this, but with more crazy.

If you’ve seen the Wizard of Oz sketch in the Munnery episode of Robot Chicken, you’ve heard what John L sounds like. If you haven’t seen it, then you can watch it by clicking on that link back there…right after you kneel before Zod.

To really understand what’s wrong with him, you’d have to sit down and talk to him. Since these conversations are just too good to miss and you’re all incapable of actually talking to the man, I’ve posted them here for your reading pleasure. All of these conversations occurred on his front porch. John L’s words are in red, like Jesus.

When John L is walking around and thinks no one is paying any attention to him, he tends to mutter to himself. Now, that’s not particularly strange. A lot of people, especially old men, do that. But he’s not making mental notes, or even holding a conversation with himself. He’s just mumbling the same “words” over and over. “Cock’em, suck’em, dick’em, fuck’em.” Sometimes there’s a variation in the pattern, but it’s always one of those four. In conversation, he’ll often use them as expletives, as you’ll see.

This was one of the first times I talked to John L, so I didn’t really know to “play along” when he talked to me. “So ye comin’ down here n’ stay wit Coreh?” “Yessir.” “Eh?” “Yes sir, I am.” “EH?” *nod nod* “Heh heh, well I’ll be a cock’em dick’em. How’d ye get here, walk?” “I got a ride” “EH?“I GOT A RIDE.” “Where ye gon’ sleep?” “Well…with Cory, I suppose.” “EH?” “WITH CORY.” “Heh heh, wit Coreh…cock’em fuck’em.”

“I tell ye ’bout dat deer I kilt cup days back?” “No John you sure didn’t.” “I seen it runnin’ crossa cock’em road here n’ I went back’in got mah dick’em rifle fromma shed.” “Is that right?” *big nod* “Cock’em fuck’em right. I seen it jump inna cock’em tree” *points to 30-foot tree” “but I shot’em and kilt’em dead.” “That’s pretty cool, John.” “Heh heh.”

Those are the only interesting conversations I’ve personally had with the man, but I’ve heard some great stories. Once, Cory convinced him that his friend Bradley lived both in a tree and on the moon in the course of ten minutes. The one I really wish I’d seen, though, involves Cory’s friend Josh when he was 13 or 14. He ran up to the normally-slow old man and yanked the lit cigarette out of his mouth without stopping and just kept running. Without missing a beat, this “feeble” and “arthritic” bastard jumped up, grabbed a goddamn brick from the yard, and chased Josh down. Yes, an old man caught up with a teenage boy in a footrace, and probably would’ve beaten him to death with that brick if he hadn’t gotten his cigarette back. I also heard that John L drank a lot in his younger, less-senile days. Man, I would bet he could tell some amazing stories if he still knew what was real and what wasn’t.

One hundred percent accurate.

I’ll really be sad when that cool old dude dies.


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