Author Archive

My Hell

Since no one reads this thing, I don’t see the harm in posting crap just to see how it works.

DMV Employees, Nicole Richie, Dakota Fanning, Oprah
Circle I Limbo

Taylor Lautner, Russell Brand, Lady Gaga, Paris Hilton, Ke$ha
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Steve Jobs, Perez Hilton, Doctor Phil, Kristen Stewart
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Nancy Pelosi, Robert Pattinson, Pat Robertson, George Bush
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Jonah Hill, Lindsay Lohan, Michael Cera, Hipsters
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Jerry Falwell, Glenn Beck, Scientologists, PETA Members, Chris Matthews, Billy Mitchell
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Militant Vegans
Circle VII Burning Sands

Religious Fanatics
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Fred Phelps, Rednecks, Republicans
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Meh, that wasn’t quite as cool as I thought it would be. Good concept, but the coding was lazy and it doesn’t look too good. I suck at HTML and I could’ve done that. But if you really like it, you can make your own hell here.



It’s Been A While

I haven’t updated in a while, which is strange considering I put up like three posts in the first week that this blog existed. I’m apologizing for that, though I’m not sure why. My two most devoted readers are my boyfriend and his cousin…anyway, I’m gonna try to make up for my lack of updation (yeah, I said it) by posting little tidbits of random things that have happened. Nothing big or interesting enough has happened in the missing time span to be worth devoting a whole post to it, so just think of this one like a Twitter feed.

By the way, the reason I haven’t been updating is because I haven’t felt too great lately. My bottom-right molar is decaying horribly – there’s less than half of it left – and I’ve been taking a lot of aspirin because of it. The aspirin caused a peptic ulcer to form, so now I’m constantly battling either a toothache or what feels like the sharpest, most powerful hunger pains you’ve ever experienced. What’s even better is that I don’t have any insurance, so I can’t go to a doctor or a dentist. I spent all of the money from my last paycheck because my uncle was sending me $250 birthday money, but it’s not here yet so now I don’t even have the money to pay for any prescription the emergency room might give me.

And to top it all off, I have a really nasty and infected ingrown nail on the big toe of my right foot. Don’t mouse over or click that link if you have a weak stomach. And don’t worry, that’s not actually my foot, that’s just sorta what my toenail looks like now.

Enough of my bitching.

My Birthday

Cory, Chris, Steven, Zack, Brandon, and I went to Chili’s to celebrate my birthday. Chris and Cory, being the only ones over 21, had a couple of drinks, but you would’ve thought we were all drunk. We were loud and obnoxious, Chris and Steven had a flirt-off with the waitress (both were rather unsuccessful, but I guess Chris won), and people from other tables stared at us. I got a free ice cream brownie thing, but the waitress – I think her name was Karrie, she was cool as hell – told me that, as a gift, she wouldn’t get the whole staff to sing to me. We were going to go see Prince of Persia afterward, but decided not to. Brandon and Zack went home. The rest of us got shitfaced at me and Cory’s house. Steven did three shots in a row and ended up sick for the rest of the night. Fuckin’ lightweight. Chris passed out on the couch, and Cory topped off a perfect birthday by starting a fight for some immature reason. But that’s not important anymore.


Cory, Chris, Steven, and I went to Buffalo’s on Saturday just because we felt like it. Buffalo’s is a bar/grill place, in case you’ve never heard of it; very laid-back place, serves wings and burgers and the typical stuff. Originally I was supposed to pay for me and Cory, and Chris would cover Steven because he drove…and he was broke. But when we got there, Chris decided he wanted to drink, but I guess he didn’t wanna drink alone. He volunteered to pay for Cory because he knew I didn’t have the money for drinks. They got pretty drunk while Steven and I had to sit there sober, then they went to the bathroom together. They were gone for a long time. As to be expected, we made jokes about giving handjobs in the bathroom for the rest of the night. My boyfriend was stolen from me by a man more feminine than I am.


Afterward, we went home and started drinking. Initially, Steven and I had full intentions on catching (then surpassing) Cory and Chris in BAC, but Steven’s a little chicken shit and didn’t do it. We sat there playing various card games and watching Wesley play Red Dead Redemption. I made the most awesome drinks in the world: Caramel frappuccinos with Kahlua. The best part, though, was Chris and Steven’s little wager. Chris was cheating by stacking the deck and, though Steven knew this, he couldn’t catch him doing it. He told Chris “If you cheat again and I don’t catch you, I’ll shoot myself point blank in the head with this gun,” and picked up an airsoft shotgun.

Way more painful than it looks.

Chris cheated again, Steven didn’t catch him…again, so Steven went through with his bet. After more than 5 minutes of stalling and being nervous, he tried to pull the trigger and the safety was on. After getting up the nerve again, he shot himself only to realize the gun wasn’t loaded. That’s probably a good thing. I was shot in the nose with one of those – not point blank either, about 15 feet away – and it broke the skin and was bruised for a week.

But that’s when Steven just had to push it further. “Okay, if you do it again and I don’t catch you, I will put this gun on my nuts and pull the trigger” was the wager this time. Of course, he just accused Chris of cheating every time for the next three or four hands. We caught on, because…well, I don’t think Steven has ever outsmarted any of us. Chris changed it to “If you accuse me and I’m not cheating, you have to shoot yourself, too.” Steven, being a masochist and a fool, accepted. After the next hand, this is what happened.

If you look closely, even OJ (my badass, one-eyed cat) is like “DUDE WTF?!”


I can’t even say anything about it. Went to a concert in what seemed like an abandoned zombie house. The bands were a bunch of people no one’s ever heard of (and for good reason –  you don’t mix metal and punk and get anything worth a damn). The fans were sweaty, hairy hipsters that are too cool to shower and thus smelled like fried taint. There was some pretty cool, strange artwork on the walls, though. That was okay. And we found what must be the door to Uncle Touchy’s Naked Puzzle Basement.

We all float down here.

Aside from that, I spent most of the night beside Steven’s car with a horrendous toothache. He didn’t want to leave, of course, because he was loving every minute of it. I swear, I might just have a heart attack if that boy ever develops a sense of taste.

Saints Row 2

This isn’t a review, this is just a notice to tell everyone that I have created the best Saint’s Row 2 character of all time. OF ALL TIME. In Uncle Touchy’s Naked Puzzle Basement, through the Candy Cane Forest, beyond the Gumdrop Mountains, lurks…the Warden. He is the last step in your daring escape from the Basement’s dark, pedophile-ridden depths. Smelling of sweat, Brut, and Zima, you face the only obstacle between you and freedom. He is the stuff of your nightmares, and he’s wants that booty.

Hey there sugah.


Things John L Says

You may remember that I’ve mentioned John L before. He’s Cory’s grandfather’s brother…his great-uncle, or something. He’s probably about 65,I guess, and he’s got a moderate case of Alzheimers. He knows where he is, who he is, and he can recognize the people who come to his house on a regular basis, so he’s not that far gone. Also, he kinda looks like this guy:

Like this, but with more crazy.

If you’ve seen the Wizard of Oz sketch in the Munnery episode of Robot Chicken, you’ve heard what John L sounds like. If you haven’t seen it, then you can watch it by clicking on that link back there…right after you kneel before Zod.

To really understand what’s wrong with him, you’d have to sit down and talk to him. Since these conversations are just too good to miss and you’re all incapable of actually talking to the man, I’ve posted them here for your reading pleasure. All of these conversations occurred on his front porch. John L’s words are in red, like Jesus.

When John L is walking around and thinks no one is paying any attention to him, he tends to mutter to himself. Now, that’s not particularly strange. A lot of people, especially old men, do that. But he’s not making mental notes, or even holding a conversation with himself. He’s just mumbling the same “words” over and over. “Cock’em, suck’em, dick’em, fuck’em.” Sometimes there’s a variation in the pattern, but it’s always one of those four. In conversation, he’ll often use them as expletives, as you’ll see.

This was one of the first times I talked to John L, so I didn’t really know to “play along” when he talked to me. “So ye comin’ down here n’ stay wit Coreh?” “Yessir.” “Eh?” “Yes sir, I am.” “EH?” *nod nod* “Heh heh, well I’ll be a cock’em dick’em. How’d ye get here, walk?” “I got a ride” “EH?“I GOT A RIDE.” “Where ye gon’ sleep?” “Well…with Cory, I suppose.” “EH?” “WITH CORY.” “Heh heh, wit Coreh…cock’em fuck’em.”

“I tell ye ’bout dat deer I kilt cup days back?” “No John you sure didn’t.” “I seen it runnin’ crossa cock’em road here n’ I went back’in got mah dick’em rifle fromma shed.” “Is that right?” *big nod* “Cock’em fuck’em right. I seen it jump inna cock’em tree” *points to 30-foot tree” “but I shot’em and kilt’em dead.” “That’s pretty cool, John.” “Heh heh.”

Those are the only interesting conversations I’ve personally had with the man, but I’ve heard some great stories. Once, Cory convinced him that his friend Bradley lived both in a tree and on the moon in the course of ten minutes. The one I really wish I’d seen, though, involves Cory’s friend Josh when he was 13 or 14. He ran up to the normally-slow old man and yanked the lit cigarette out of his mouth without stopping and just kept running. Without missing a beat, this “feeble” and “arthritic” bastard jumped up, grabbed a goddamn brick from the yard, and chased Josh down. Yes, an old man caught up with a teenage boy in a footrace, and probably would’ve beaten him to death with that brick if he hadn’t gotten his cigarette back. I also heard that John L drank a lot in his younger, less-senile days. Man, I would bet he could tell some amazing stories if he still knew what was real and what wasn’t.

One hundred percent accurate.

I’ll really be sad when that cool old dude dies.


Movies and More

No, this post isn’t a bunch of movie reviews. No, I didn’t go see Iron Man 2 this weekend and all of a sudden feel like a professional critic. However, I have a friend who did, and does. His name is Steven Reynolds, and you might remember him from my first post.

Doesn't everything about him just scream "cool"? >.>Everything about him screams “cool”, right? Right…?!

Just a couple of days ago, I was talking about my blog. I told Steven that it’s mainly just the random things I think about with just the right hint of sarcasm and cynicism that everyone loves, but I sometimes talk about movies/books/games etc. that I enjoyed (or particularly hated). Apparently, Steven didn’t know exactly how easy it is to start your own “little webpage” (he refuses to call them blogs) and post whatever the hell you want. He has some very…hm…forceful opinions, and can’t stand it when he doesn’t get the chance to vent them to someone. This is why he almost always comes to our house after watching a new movie or playing a new game: not to rub it in our faces, but to tell us what he thought about it.

Anyway, this post is to promote his “little webpage”, Movies and More, which he is currently building…that’s why there aren’t any posts yet. You can read his very direct, completely whatever-the-opposite-of-poetic-is reviews there. But I’ll warn you now: he’s very hard-hitting. Not Chris-Matthews, makes-you-wanna-punch-him-in-the-face hard-hitting, but he doesn’t pull any punches. No sugar coating when a movie is horrible, and no hesitation to give it the praise he feels it deserves. Since you already read my blog, you obviously don’t have a problem with (often-creative) vulgarity, but I still feel like I should tell you that it will be there…and it will be plentiful. The typical “I would give it 1 out of 5 stars” would sound more like “Yeeeeah, this movie sucked balls. Big, hairy balls”. A good movie normally described as “an action-packed adventure”, to Steven, is “a kick-ass movie with a bunch of cool fuckin’ explosions and shit.”

So if you want to read reviews from a 20-year-old with a 16-year-old mind and a 10-year-old vocabulary (and trust me, you do), then check out his blog. Even if you don’t want to read it, he likes to have petty arguments so he’s reeeeeally easy to troll.

Oh, and he also does music and video games and websites and stuff, not just movies.


Some things…and some stuff

You know what I hate? People who don’t express the things that they hate. They sit there, stewing in their own contempt for everything, when a simple explosion or well-placed rant would solve their problems. So, because of this thought that sprung in my head at work today while watching one of the most miserable women I’ve ever met slap some Whoppers together, I’ve decided to rant about a few things that have been bugging me.

“More than you think”: This phrase is complete bullshit. A little part of my brain twinges every time I hear someone say this, and I think a part of me actually dies when they say it to me. My conversation partner will spout off some unrealistic-sounding facts or data, and my response will be “Really? That doesn’t seem right,” or something similar. Here we go. “Yeah, I know, but it happens more often than you think.” Really, you smart motherfucker? Do you know exactly how often I think that a given even takes place? Of course you fucking don’t. Maybe, just maybe, I fully believe that fourteen thousand, six hundred and forty-one dogs have saved their owners from drowning. Then, if you tell me that over seven hundred dogs have done it, then that isn’t “more than I think”, now is it? But what bugs me the most is that it’s so goddamn easy to fix. If you’d just change it to “More than you might think”, you wouldn’t sound like a presumptuous douche. So get it right or STFU.

Nerdy girls: This seemingly-recent obsession with “nerdy girls” has me a bit…perplexed. Apparently the definition of “nerd” has been stretched completely out of proportion, but only when it applies to women. As a self-proclaimed (but totally legit) nerd, I have to admit that I’m just a little bit offended. Being slightly above average in one academic or technological field does not mean that you’re automatically a nerd. Let’s say Miss Brittany Hypothetical got her thick blonde hair, blue eyes, model figure, and athletic talent from her mother, following in her footsteps and becoming a cheerleader in high school. She’s popular and cheerful, obsessed with fashion and boys and the like. Now, let’s say that she got just a touch of her father’s brains, so she does surprisingly well in math. I don’t mean she’s “start college at age twelve” good, just “hey Brittany can you help me with number seven” good. Is she a nerd because she can solve for X when her other cheerleader friends can’t? No. Being slightly smarter than average doesn’t make you a nerd. Putting a sweater vest and a pair of glasses on Heidi Klum doesn’t make her a nerd either.

Pictured: Model. Not pictured: Nerd.

You just have to face it: most legitimately-nerdy girls are average looking. Also, in case you didn’t know, we don’t even call ourselves “nerdy girls”. That implies that having a vagina somehow makes you special in our world. We’re just nerds, but that doesn’t mean you can disgrace us like that.  Can you single-heal Archavon and Koralon in T9 gear? Can you get 206% on Castlevania SotN? Can you recite The Raven or Lady Macbeth’s hand-washing scene on the spot? Do you even understand binary? I didn’t think so. Come back when you have any idea what I’m talking about.

Online bullying Gimme a fuckin’ break. Really? Online bullying? There are articles and warning ads everywhere about this bullshit. Apparently it makes kids feel bad about themselves or some shit. There was even a girl somewhere who killed herself because of it. You know what I think? If your kid bursts into tears because some fucktard on the internet calls them names, they need to grow the fuck up. You’re not being “bullied”, you’re being fucking trolled. It’s a common internet phenomenon, look it up. The anonymity of the internet makes people assholes. This is a well-established fact, just like the fact that not everyone in the world is going to love you. Your parents baby you, your friends baby you, and your teachers baby you. Time to wake up, sweetie, and realize that this country, this world, is full of dickbags. You don’t like it? That’s what the glowing button on your newfangled computin’ box is for. If a malicious comment from a random stranger drives you to suicide, you had some deeply-buried problems to begin with and it’s good that we got you out of the gene pool before you could piss in it.

“You don’t/couldn’t understand”: This is similar to “more than you think” in the respect that it’s a totally bullshit phrase. How the fuck do you know? Maybe I can understand, maybe I can’t. Yeah, your mom just died in a car accident. It’s tragic, and you’re feeling every horrible emotion you’ve ever known stronger than you ever have before. But maybe, for instance, I witnessed the car accident that killed my boyfriend a few years ago. Did you ever think of that? Of course not, you self-absorbed cuntwaffle. When you say “You couldn’t understand”, you are implying that the person you’re talking to has never experienced anything even remotely similar (or as fucked up) as what you’re going through. Do you honestly think that bad shit only happens to you? Get the fuck out. Now. I’m not even kidding.

You’re welcome to Photoshop what you think a cuntwaffle would look like.

On the plus side, as you may have pieced together from way at the top of this post, I got a job at Burger King. It’s not a fantastic job, but it’s about as enjoyable as a fast food job can be. The pay is about as bad as you’d expect, but the job’s not horrible. I’ve gotten good at pretending that I give a damn about people I don’t know, it’s second nature to me, so that part is easy. It’ll pay the bills until I can finish all the classes I need to get a better job. Today had what has to be one of the top five customer-related moments I’ve ever had. An older man, probably about 65, came up to my register. I was busy filling a drive-thru order, so my coworker (and only friend so far) Stephanie took it for me. When she said “here or to go?”, he said “Oh, definitely to go. For I have miles to go before I sleep.” A few seconds later, he said something like “Oh, she knows her poetry”, so I’m guessing she identified the line. I knew I’d heard it, so I asked “Where is that from?” Before Stephanie could tell me, he goes “You tell me.” I said “Oh…I know this…The Road Not Taken?” The old dude high-fived me! “Good! Who wrote it?” “Bah…Oh! Robert Frost!” and another high-five!

Definitely my favorite customer so far. I hope he comes back.


New Category: Reviews

Because giving my appropriately-undervalued opinion is one of my favorite hobbies, I’ve created a new category just for it: reviews. While most of these reviews will probably be for video games and other nerd-related paraphernalia, there are no restrictions for it. Anything I happen to particularly like – or particularly hate, for that matter – could end up here. Currently I’ll be using actual adjectives instead of a simple number scale rating system, but I might change it later.

Right now I’ll just be reviewing things that pertain to my rather-more-eventful-than-usual weekend. Keep in mind that I am no professional critic, nor am I a self-proclaimed connoisseur of anything. These are my opinions, written like a normal person, to be read and understood by normal people.

Movie: Kick-Ass – Gratuitous, unrealistic violence? Check. Lovably quirky-yet-believable characters? Check. World’s cutest homicidal ninja maniac? Check. Boring protagonist? …Unfortunately, check. The actual character of Kick-Ass is really pretty boring. I know he’s supposed to be a normal, nerdy, can’t-get-a-girlfriend high school student, but he’s too normal. You know why movies are unrealistic? Because reality is boring. We don’t go to movies to see the same things we could watch while sitting on our front porches. His two friends are pretty good characters, though. Their jokes compliment one another pretty well, and the chemistry is good. The love interest is as dumb as a bag of hammers, but as the damsel-in-distress in a superhero movie, that’s forgivable. Red Mist is, frankly, annoying as fuck. He’s an arrogant little rich kid whose super persona seems to be nothing more than a pampered emo douchebag with a nice car. Remember how everyone loved the Dark Knight not because of Batman, but because of the Joker? Kick-Ass is the same way: the protagonist holds the story together, but Big Daddy (yes, it’s actually a good Nic Cage role) and Hit Girl are the ones you paid to see. Where else can you see an 11-year-old girl utter the word “cunt” and sound totally badass? And anyone who says it’s “controversial” or “pedo bait” because Hit Girl is “sexualized” can bite my fuckin’ ass. She couldn’t be seen as sexy in any form of the word. Chris-goddamn-Hansen couldn’t find a problem with this. Overall, a great movie. If you’re even remotely nerdy or a fan of comics/superhero movies, you MUST go see it.

Bacardi Rum – For as dirt-cheap as it is, it’s not bad. It burns on the way down like any liquor, of course, but it gets the job done and doesn’t leave you wanting to kill yourself in the morning.

Angus Ribeye steaks – They’re Angus-motherfuckin’-ribeyes, almost $8 a pound. Of course they’re good.

Admiral Nelson’s Coconut Rum – Captain Morgan’s younger, trashier, cheaper cousin. Like before, it’s good for how cheap it is. You won’t want to drink it on the rocks, but blended in a Pina Colada it’s pretty damn awesome.

Copa de Oro Coffee Liqeur – Surprisingly good for its price. I used it to make my very first white russian, and I’m absolutely in love. I’ve made it house law to keep a bottle of this in the cabinet at all times.

Restaurant: Kanpai of Tokyo – Now I’m not an expert on Japanese cuisine by any means, but I sure do love me some Asian food, boy. But this place isn’t just about the food, it’s a show, which I thought was great because I love Japanese culture. It’s one of those hibachi…teppanyaki…what-the-fuck-ever restaurants where they cook the food in front of you. Hell, they charge you five bucks just for the show if you don’t order any food! Cory, Chris, and I all ordered fried rice with grilled chicken, filet mignon, and shrimp. Cory and I had vegetables (onion, zucchini, cabbage, and mushrooms). You get a choice of hot sauce, mustard sauce, white sauce (shrimp sauce), and ginger sauce. I got the last two, both of which were really good. I even looked up a recipe for the “white sauce”, that’s how friggin’ amazing it is. The portions are huge, as well. I got about two and a half meals out of my serving. On top of all that, it was free (Chris’s treat), and everyone knows that food tastes better when it’s free. But even if I did have to pay, I would definitely say it’s worth the money. The dishes range from about $20 up to almost $50 for the best steak and lobster money can buy. The huge servings, friendly service, entertaining show, and classy-yet-relaxed atmosphere mean it’s definitely worth it.

Game: Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning – If you play World of Warcraft, you don’t really have to play Warhammer. Aside from more realistic (and glitchier) graphics, I hardly saw any differences. A lot of people mentioned that the PvP (or RvR as it’s called in WAR) is much better, but I don’t like PvP at all so I didn’t give a shit.  Here’s an example of the similarities, that is, if you’ve played WoW: I played a Witch Elf (rogue), which starts with two daggers and very little clothing. I use smaller, quick attacks to generate Blood Lust (combo) points, then use bigger Frenzy attacks (finishing moves) that do more damage based on how many points I’ve saved up. Your currency is the same gold/silver/bronze (oh boy, what a twist) system. You join guilds, you travel in parties to take down more difficult enemies. Your professions are Cultivation (herbalism), Butchery (skinning), scavenging (skinning, but with humanoids), magical salvaging (disenchanting), apothecary (alchemy and first aid), and talisman making (jewelcrafting). The coolest thing that WAR has that WoW doesn’t are the PQ, or public quests. These quests are going on all the time, regardless of who is doing them. If you’re in the general area, you can participate. If all stages are completed, everyone rolls for loot based on participation and a number of other bonuses. It’s really fun, and encourages you to jump into groups and start working together. Basically: if you like WoW so much that you’re willing to pay an extra $15 a month to play a mechanically-identical game, then go right ahead. Enjoy yourself. If you’d rather spend that extra time playing WoW some more, you won’t be missing anything.


The Awesome That Is Zack

Zack Reynolds: 17 year old boy, high school senior. He’s your average teenage kid. He’s about 6’2″ and would probably only weigh 130 pounds if he was soaking wet with bricks in his pockets. However, he’s probably my second favourite out of all the Reynolds boys (besides Cory, of course <3). He shares Cory’s weird, sometimes a bit dark and twisted sense of humor, but takes it a little further. He’s smart but doesn’t throw it in your face. He can hold a logical argument without basing too much on his emotions (Steven and Cory) or end up basically calling you an idiot in a roundabout way (me). He’s very mature for his age, and he doesn’t take anything too seriously. He’s the awesome, laid-back friend that everyone wants to have.

But these are all things we’ve all known about Zack. It’s been common knowledge amongst the entire family that Zack is the epitome of cool. Today, however, is what granted him a permanent spot in my top five awesome people. I mean, he’ll probably be in that top five for as long as I live. That’s just how great this is.

I was watching Doctor Who a few days ago, the third season with the Tenth Doctor (David Tennant), when Steven dropped Zack off to hang out for a couple of hours. Zack had never watched the show before, so he paid half-attention while I explained to him what was going on. He liked the show instantly, mostly due to just how jaw-droppingly cool the Doctor is. As a joke, Zack said “I’m gonna cut my hair like that”. Then we started talking about how he should wear a pair of Chuck Taylor’s and a suit to his prom, as well as a pair of plastic framed glasses.

David Tennant as The Doctor

I thought that was the end of it. We had had our little joke (mostly about how much his girlfriend Stephanie would freak out), we finished watching the show, he went home. But oh, I didn’t know how serious Zack was. He came over after school today. His hair was much shorter, parted on the left, and the right side was messy…just like Mr. Tennant. Just as a reference this is what Zack used to look like:

And now he…doesn’t. I didn’t get the chance to take an “after” photo, but I’ll post one later. He’s going to get his suit tailored Saturday, brown with white pinstripes (I think), and he’s going to buy a pair of red Converse Chuck Taylor’s to go with it. Zack, you have officially made my year. Now, if I could find some way to go to that prom just so I could see him..