Archive for the ‘ Journal ’ Category

It’s Been A While

I haven’t updated in a while, which is strange considering I put up like three posts in the first week that this blog existed. I’m apologizing for that, though I’m not sure why. My two most devoted readers are my boyfriend and his cousin…anyway, I’m gonna try to make up for my lack of updation (yeah, I said it) by posting little tidbits of random things that have happened. Nothing big or interesting enough has happened in the missing time span to be worth devoting a whole post to it, so just think of this one like a Twitter feed.

By the way, the reason I haven’t been updating is because I haven’t felt too great lately. My bottom-right molar is decaying horribly – there’s less than half of it left – and I’ve been taking a lot of aspirin because of it. The aspirin caused a peptic ulcer to form, so now I’m constantly battling either a toothache or what feels like the sharpest, most powerful hunger pains you’ve ever experienced. What’s even better is that I don’t have any insurance, so I can’t go to a doctor or a dentist. I spent all of the money from my last paycheck because my uncle was sending me $250 birthday money, but it’s not here yet so now I don’t even have the money to pay for any prescription the emergency room might give me.

And to top it all off, I have a really nasty and infected ingrown nail on the big toe of my right foot. Don’t mouse over or click that link if you have a weak stomach. And don’t worry, that’s not actually my foot, that’s just sorta what my toenail looks like now.

Enough of my bitching.

My Birthday

Cory, Chris, Steven, Zack, Brandon, and I went to Chili’s to celebrate my birthday. Chris and Cory, being the only ones over 21, had a couple of drinks, but you would’ve thought we were all drunk. We were loud and obnoxious, Chris and Steven had a flirt-off with the waitress (both were rather unsuccessful, but I guess Chris won), and people from other tables stared at us. I got a free ice cream brownie thing, but the waitress – I think her name was Karrie, she was cool as hell – told me that, as a gift, she wouldn’t get the whole staff to sing to me. We were going to go see Prince of Persia afterward, but decided not to. Brandon and Zack went home. The rest of us got shitfaced at me and Cory’s house. Steven did three shots in a row and ended up sick for the rest of the night. Fuckin’ lightweight. Chris passed out on the couch, and Cory topped off a perfect birthday by starting a fight for some immature reason. But that’s not important anymore.

Saturday

Cory, Chris, Steven, and I went to Buffalo’s on Saturday just because we felt like it. Buffalo’s is a bar/grill place, in case you’ve never heard of it; very laid-back place, serves wings and burgers and the typical stuff. Originally I was supposed to pay for me and Cory, and Chris would cover Steven because he drove…and he was broke. But when we got there, Chris decided he wanted to drink, but I guess he didn’t wanna drink alone. He volunteered to pay for Cory because he knew I didn’t have the money for drinks. They got pretty drunk while Steven and I had to sit there sober, then they went to the bathroom together. They were gone for a long time. As to be expected, we made jokes about giving handjobs in the bathroom for the rest of the night. My boyfriend was stolen from me by a man more feminine than I am.

Homewrecker.

Afterward, we went home and started drinking. Initially, Steven and I had full intentions on catching (then surpassing) Cory and Chris in BAC, but Steven’s a little chicken shit and didn’t do it. We sat there playing various card games and watching Wesley play Red Dead Redemption. I made the most awesome drinks in the world: Caramel frappuccinos with Kahlua. The best part, though, was Chris and Steven’s little wager. Chris was cheating by stacking the deck and, though Steven knew this, he couldn’t catch him doing it. He told Chris “If you cheat again and I don’t catch you, I’ll shoot myself point blank in the head with this gun,” and picked up an airsoft shotgun.

Way more painful than it looks.

Chris cheated again, Steven didn’t catch him…again, so Steven went through with his bet. After more than 5 minutes of stalling and being nervous, he tried to pull the trigger and the safety was on. After getting up the nerve again, he shot himself only to realize the gun wasn’t loaded. That’s probably a good thing. I was shot in the nose with one of those – not point blank either, about 15 feet away – and it broke the skin and was bruised for a week.

But that’s when Steven just had to push it further. “Okay, if you do it again and I don’t catch you, I will put this gun on my nuts and pull the trigger” was the wager this time. Of course, he just accused Chris of cheating every time for the next three or four hands. We caught on, because…well, I don’t think Steven has ever outsmarted any of us. Chris changed it to “If you accuse me and I’m not cheating, you have to shoot yourself, too.” Steven, being a masochist and a fool, accepted. After the next hand, this is what happened.

If you look closely, even OJ (my badass, one-eyed cat) is like “DUDE WTF?!”

Sunday

I can’t even say anything about it. Went to a concert in what seemed like an abandoned zombie house. The bands were a bunch of people no one’s ever heard of (and for good reason –  you don’t mix metal and punk and get anything worth a damn). The fans were sweaty, hairy hipsters that are too cool to shower and thus smelled like fried taint. There was some pretty cool, strange artwork on the walls, though. That was okay. And we found what must be the door to Uncle Touchy’s Naked Puzzle Basement.

We all float down here.

Aside from that, I spent most of the night beside Steven’s car with a horrendous toothache. He didn’t want to leave, of course, because he was loving every minute of it. I swear, I might just have a heart attack if that boy ever develops a sense of taste.

Saints Row 2

This isn’t a review, this is just a notice to tell everyone that I have created the best Saint’s Row 2 character of all time. OF ALL TIME. In Uncle Touchy’s Naked Puzzle Basement, through the Candy Cane Forest, beyond the Gumdrop Mountains, lurks…the Warden. He is the last step in your daring escape from the Basement’s dark, pedophile-ridden depths. Smelling of sweat, Brut, and Zima, you face the only obstacle between you and freedom. He is the stuff of your nightmares, and he’s wants that booty.

Hey there sugah.

@)—–

Things John L Says

You may remember that I’ve mentioned John L before. He’s Cory’s grandfather’s brother…his great-uncle, or something. He’s probably about 65,I guess, and he’s got a moderate case of Alzheimers. He knows where he is, who he is, and he can recognize the people who come to his house on a regular basis, so he’s not that far gone. Also, he kinda looks like this guy:

Like this, but with more crazy.

If you’ve seen the Wizard of Oz sketch in the Munnery episode of Robot Chicken, you’ve heard what John L sounds like. If you haven’t seen it, then you can watch it by clicking on that link back there…right after you kneel before Zod.

To really understand what’s wrong with him, you’d have to sit down and talk to him. Since these conversations are just too good to miss and you’re all incapable of actually talking to the man, I’ve posted them here for your reading pleasure. All of these conversations occurred on his front porch. John L’s words are in red, like Jesus.

When John L is walking around and thinks no one is paying any attention to him, he tends to mutter to himself. Now, that’s not particularly strange. A lot of people, especially old men, do that. But he’s not making mental notes, or even holding a conversation with himself. He’s just mumbling the same “words” over and over. “Cock’em, suck’em, dick’em, fuck’em.” Sometimes there’s a variation in the pattern, but it’s always one of those four. In conversation, he’ll often use them as expletives, as you’ll see.

This was one of the first times I talked to John L, so I didn’t really know to “play along” when he talked to me. “So ye comin’ down here n’ stay wit Coreh?” “Yessir.” “Eh?” “Yes sir, I am.” “EH?” *nod nod* “Heh heh, well I’ll be a cock’em dick’em. How’d ye get here, walk?” “I got a ride” “EH?“I GOT A RIDE.” “Where ye gon’ sleep?” “Well…with Cory, I suppose.” “EH?” “WITH CORY.” “Heh heh, wit Coreh…cock’em fuck’em.”

“I tell ye ’bout dat deer I kilt cup days back?” “No John you sure didn’t.” “I seen it runnin’ crossa cock’em road here n’ I went back’in got mah dick’em rifle fromma shed.” “Is that right?” *big nod* “Cock’em fuck’em right. I seen it jump inna cock’em tree” *points to 30-foot tree” “but I shot’em and kilt’em dead.” “That’s pretty cool, John.” “Heh heh.”

Those are the only interesting conversations I’ve personally had with the man, but I’ve heard some great stories. Once, Cory convinced him that his friend Bradley lived both in a tree and on the moon in the course of ten minutes. The one I really wish I’d seen, though, involves Cory’s friend Josh when he was 13 or 14. He ran up to the normally-slow old man and yanked the lit cigarette out of his mouth without stopping and just kept running. Without missing a beat, this “feeble” and “arthritic” bastard jumped up, grabbed a goddamn brick from the yard, and chased Josh down. Yes, an old man caught up with a teenage boy in a footrace, and probably would’ve beaten him to death with that brick if he hadn’t gotten his cigarette back. I also heard that John L drank a lot in his younger, less-senile days. Man, I would bet he could tell some amazing stories if he still knew what was real and what wasn’t.

One hundred percent accurate.

I’ll really be sad when that cool old dude dies.

@)—–

The Awesome That Is Zack

Zack Reynolds: 17 year old boy, high school senior. He’s your average teenage kid. He’s about 6’2″ and would probably only weigh 130 pounds if he was soaking wet with bricks in his pockets. However, he’s probably my second favourite out of all the Reynolds boys (besides Cory, of course <3). He shares Cory’s weird, sometimes a bit dark and twisted sense of humor, but takes it a little further. He’s smart but doesn’t throw it in your face. He can hold a logical argument without basing too much on his emotions (Steven and Cory) or end up basically calling you an idiot in a roundabout way (me). He’s very mature for his age, and he doesn’t take anything too seriously. He’s the awesome, laid-back friend that everyone wants to have.

But these are all things we’ve all known about Zack. It’s been common knowledge amongst the entire family that Zack is the epitome of cool. Today, however, is what granted him a permanent spot in my top five awesome people. I mean, he’ll probably be in that top five for as long as I live. That’s just how great this is.

I was watching Doctor Who a few days ago, the third season with the Tenth Doctor (David Tennant), when Steven dropped Zack off to hang out for a couple of hours. Zack had never watched the show before, so he paid half-attention while I explained to him what was going on. He liked the show instantly, mostly due to just how jaw-droppingly cool the Doctor is. As a joke, Zack said “I’m gonna cut my hair like that”. Then we started talking about how he should wear a pair of Chuck Taylor’s and a suit to his prom, as well as a pair of plastic framed glasses.

David Tennant as The Doctor

I thought that was the end of it. We had had our little joke (mostly about how much his girlfriend Stephanie would freak out), we finished watching the show, he went home. But oh, I didn’t know how serious Zack was. He came over after school today. His hair was much shorter, parted on the left, and the right side was messy…just like Mr. Tennant. Just as a reference this is what Zack used to look like:

And now he…doesn’t. I didn’t get the chance to take an “after” photo, but I’ll post one later. He’s going to get his suit tailored Saturday, brown with white pinstripes (I think), and he’s going to buy a pair of red Converse Chuck Taylor’s to go with it. Zack, you have officially made my year. Now, if I could find some way to go to that prom just so I could see him..

@)—-

Interactivity (#1)

Despite the feeling you may have, I care about all…what…three?…of my viewers. I want you to feel involved. I want you to read what I’ve said, feel compelled to give me your opinion, and know that you’re completely welcome to do so. I want you to become ONE with me. I want you. To. Be. Assimilated.

No, scratch that last part. But you get the point.

That’s why, starting today, I’m adding the Weekly Open-Ended Question. It’s not really a poll, because there are no “choices”. This is not a multiple-choice quiz, children. They’re essay questions. You should’ve studied harder.

A new question will be posted every Wednesday, and you will have a week to answer. Why Wednesday, you ask? Because today is Wednesday, and I came up with it about six minutes ago. On Tuesday I will award one commenter with the “You’re Awesome This Week” award, which will probably be completely random. Say whatever you want in the comments. Argue with one another. Have intelligent debates. Call each other newfags. I don’t care, just communicate! Speak your minds!

This week’s question: What was your favorite TV show when you were a kid?

Characters

There will probably be quite a few people mentioned here at AToS, and I don’t want anyone’s wittle heads getting all hurty trying to remember everyone. For that reason, I decided to make a cheat sheet of sorts. If you see a name in a future post that you don’t recognize, you can always come back here for a quick refresher on who they are. I’m not going to put in-depth descriptions for everyone, because that would take far too long and would be nearly impossible. Some of them might read this, and I don’t want anyone getting pissy with me because I didn’t say enough about them. Just a fair warning: If I didn’t mention you, I forgot. It doesn’t mean I don’t like you, or you’re “not worth mentioning”. If I disliked you enough to ignore your existence, you would know. Trust me.

Because of this, I’m only giving you the person’s name and their relationship to me. That’s all you really need. Personalities and other characteristics could probably be determined by the context of the story in which he/she is mentioned. Be prepared, it gets complicated. A chart probably would’ve been nice, but since when am I a nice person? Also keep in mind that I live in a small town in Georgia; everyone here is related to everyone else somehow.

Family

  • Ed – My dad
  • Rena – My mom
  • Hanna – My 17-year-old sister
  • Kirk – My awesome uncle on my dad’s side.
  • Cory Reynolds – My boyfriend/fiance/hetero-life-mate of 5+ years, 25 years old.
  • Wesley Blalock – Cory’s younger-but-bigger half-brother on his mom’s side, 23 years old.
  • Katie Wood – Cory’s mom.
  • George “Pops” Burke – Cory’s grandfather, Katie’s dad.
  • Ashley Burke – Cory’s little 17-year-old cousin, Katie’s brother’s daughter.
  • John L. Burke – Pops’ brother, has a severe (and entertaining) case of Alzheimer’s.
  • Darryl Reynolds – Cory’s dad, my father-in-law
  • Tisa Reynolds – Darryl’s wife.
  • Tehya – Tisa’s 11-year-old spoiled brat of a daughter.
  • Brandon Darryl Scott Earl Reynolds (I’m not even joking) – Cory’s half-brother, Darryl’s son, 18 years old.
  • Deanna – Brandon’s mom
  • Scott Reynolds – Darryl’s brother, Cory’s uncle.
  • Zack Reynolds – Cory’s cousin, Scott’s son, 18 years old.
  • Shantel – Zack’s mom.
  • Steven Reynolds – Cory’s cousin, Scott’s son, Zack’s brother, 20 years old.
  • Renee – Steven’s mom.
  • Jerrilynn Ratliff-Reynolds- Scott’s current wife, royal bitch, sworn enemy of every Reynolds (even Scott)
  • Jean “Mawmaw” Reynolds – Cory’s grandmother, Darryl and Scott’s mom.
  • Duran Shropshire – Our token black guy. Grew up with Cory and Wesley, considered a brother.
  • Jerika Ratliff – Jerrilynn’s carbon-copy daughter, Duran’s ex-wife and babymama.
  • Damien “Bobo” Shropshire and Jada Shropshire – Duran’s children, 4 and 2 respectively.

Friends

The people listed here are just the ones I’m most likely to talk about; the ones I see the most often; the ones I’m closest to. If I met you once in sophomore year, you’re probably not on here. Go QQ about it.

  • Christopher Taylor – Cory’s former coworker, now close friend to both of us, 23 years old.
  • Ashley Puckett-Milano – The first friend I had when I moved here. Quirky, fun, and a bit of a cunt 😉
  • Ashtin Pope – My closest female friend since I moved to GA, going to college for game design in Atlanta, 21 years old.
  • Bradley Crow – Wasn’t sure if I should include him in “family”, he’s a lifelong friend of Cory and Wes, like Duran.
  • Lyndsey Little – Quirky, fun, pixie-like little art prodigy. ❤
  • Skyler Ledford – Former classmate, sort of a drama queen, has three facebook profiles for some reason…
  • Stephanie Dykes – Zack’s girlfriend. Just as weird as he is.
  • Jocelyn Anderson – My best friend since kindergarten
  • Sabrina Conlon, Susan Denise, Alison Bowhall, Brandon Anglin – Friends from Florida, friends from years ago.

Now that I’ve succeeded in thoroughly confusing everyone, try to memorize all of this. It’ll be on Monday’s quiz.

@)—-


An Exercise in Boredom

Oh ho, what have we here? Yet another blog without a topic. Just a blank piece of bandwidth for someone to spill their words onto. At least, that’s what you’re thinking. And you would be absolutely right.

My name is Rose. I’m nineteen, unattractive, antisocial, smart, and nerdy. I play video games. I watch Doctor Who. I argue with people for the sheer enjoyment of a point-counterpoint debate. I understand XKCD. I Know My Memes. I’m a level 80 Blood Elf Priest. Should you continue to read my blathering, I’m sure you’ll learn more about me.

I didn’t start this blog with the intention of becoming internet-famous. I’m not expecting hundreds of comments or thousands of readers. I’m not even expecting one reader, to be honest. I started this blog because I’m bored. I don’t mean “Three hours until the party starts and nothing to do” bored. I mean chronic boredom. I have no job, a list of friends I could write on the back of my hand, and no ambition. This combination leaves me with nothing to do all the time. Do you know how depressing that is? But that leaves me with a lot of time to think, and I think about some pretty weird stuff sometimes. I keep lists of the odd topics that float through my head just so I can look back at them later and wonder why I thought of them in the first place. So, as an outlet, I decided to list them all on the glorious interwebz under the name “A Touch of Sarcasm”, since being sarcastic to the point of bitterness is the backbone of my humor.

What you can expect from AToS:

  • Semi-personal journal-type posts, written as if my reader is a close friend.
  • Many posts about the things I hate, ranging anywhere from Westboro Baptist Church to the old lady in front of me paying for her groceries in pennies.
  • Actual articles. I like to entertain people and I like to write. I also like Cracked.com‘s listing style, so you can expect quite a few “Top # ______ that _____ _____” posts.
  • Written art. Poetry, short stories, etc., written by me or by (appropriately credited) others.
  • The ability to filter the above four types of posts. If you don’t want to know me personally, you don’t have to. If you don’t like to hear people bitch, you don’t have to read that either. If you only want to know what’s going on in my life, you can skip the art, articles, and rants.
  • An abundance of (often creative) profanity.
  • Correct spelling, punctuation, and grammar. It may not be perfect, and a Nazi could probably scour my pages to find mistakes, but it’s easily readable and won’t give you a migraine after three sentences.

What you CANNOT expect from AToS:

  • Unique, mind-blowing concepts or enlightenment.
  • Optimism
  • Petty, retarded little teenage girl problems (and I don’t mean the problems of retarded little girls, that’s completely different). Who broke up with who on Facebook would hardly matter to me even if I know the person, so why the hell should I expect it to matter to you?
  • tlkin liek dis cuz lyk OMG its soooo kewl. My head hurts already.
  • Shameless self-promotion. There might be a “share” button somewhere on this page at some point in the future, but that’s the extent of it. You’ll never see any “PLS PLS PLS TELL UR FRENDS ABOUT ME”. Ever.

And with that out of the way, welcome to A Touch of Sarcasm. Feel free to browse and read as much as you like.

@)—-