Archive for the ‘ Reviews ’ Category

It’s Been A While

I haven’t updated in a while, which is strange considering I put up like three posts in the first week that this blog existed. I’m apologizing for that, though I’m not sure why. My two most devoted readers are my boyfriend and his cousin…anyway, I’m gonna try to make up for my lack of updation (yeah, I said it) by posting little tidbits of random things that have happened. Nothing big or interesting enough has happened in the missing time span to be worth devoting a whole post to it, so just think of this one like a Twitter feed.

By the way, the reason I haven’t been updating is because I haven’t felt too great lately. My bottom-right molar is decaying horribly – there’s less than half of it left – and I’ve been taking a lot of aspirin because of it. The aspirin caused a peptic ulcer to form, so now I’m constantly battling either a toothache or what feels like the sharpest, most powerful hunger pains you’ve ever experienced. What’s even better is that I don’t have any insurance, so I can’t go to a doctor or a dentist. I spent all of the money from my last paycheck because my uncle was sending me $250 birthday money, but it’s not here yet so now I don’t even have the money to pay for any prescription the emergency room might give me.

And to top it all off, I have a really nasty and infected ingrown nail on the big toe of my right foot. Don’t mouse over or click that link if you have a weak stomach. And don’t worry, that’s not actually my foot, that’s just sorta what my toenail looks like now.

Enough of my bitching.

My Birthday

Cory, Chris, Steven, Zack, Brandon, and I went to Chili’s to celebrate my birthday. Chris and Cory, being the only ones over 21, had a couple of drinks, but you would’ve thought we were all drunk. We were loud and obnoxious, Chris and Steven had a flirt-off with the waitress (both were rather unsuccessful, but I guess Chris won), and people from other tables stared at us. I got a free ice cream brownie thing, but the waitress – I think her name was Karrie, she was cool as hell – told me that, as a gift, she wouldn’t get the whole staff to sing to me. We were going to go see Prince of Persia afterward, but decided not to. Brandon and Zack went home. The rest of us got shitfaced at me and Cory’s house. Steven did three shots in a row and ended up sick for the rest of the night. Fuckin’ lightweight. Chris passed out on the couch, and Cory topped off a perfect birthday by starting a fight for some immature reason. But that’s not important anymore.

Saturday

Cory, Chris, Steven, and I went to Buffalo’s on Saturday just because we felt like it. Buffalo’s is a bar/grill place, in case you’ve never heard of it; very laid-back place, serves wings and burgers and the typical stuff. Originally I was supposed to pay for me and Cory, and Chris would cover Steven because he drove…and he was broke. But when we got there, Chris decided he wanted to drink, but I guess he didn’t wanna drink alone. He volunteered to pay for Cory because he knew I didn’t have the money for drinks. They got pretty drunk while Steven and I had to sit there sober, then they went to the bathroom together. They were gone for a long time. As to be expected, we made jokes about giving handjobs in the bathroom for the rest of the night. My boyfriend was stolen from me by a man more feminine than I am.

Homewrecker.

Afterward, we went home and started drinking. Initially, Steven and I had full intentions on catching (then surpassing) Cory and Chris in BAC, but Steven’s a little chicken shit and didn’t do it. We sat there playing various card games and watching Wesley play Red Dead Redemption. I made the most awesome drinks in the world: Caramel frappuccinos with Kahlua. The best part, though, was Chris and Steven’s little wager. Chris was cheating by stacking the deck and, though Steven knew this, he couldn’t catch him doing it. He told Chris “If you cheat again and I don’t catch you, I’ll shoot myself point blank in the head with this gun,” and picked up an airsoft shotgun.

Way more painful than it looks.

Chris cheated again, Steven didn’t catch him…again, so Steven went through with his bet. After more than 5 minutes of stalling and being nervous, he tried to pull the trigger and the safety was on. After getting up the nerve again, he shot himself only to realize the gun wasn’t loaded. That’s probably a good thing. I was shot in the nose with one of those – not point blank either, about 15 feet away – and it broke the skin and was bruised for a week.

But that’s when Steven just had to push it further. “Okay, if you do it again and I don’t catch you, I will put this gun on my nuts and pull the trigger” was the wager this time. Of course, he just accused Chris of cheating every time for the next three or four hands. We caught on, because…well, I don’t think Steven has ever outsmarted any of us. Chris changed it to “If you accuse me and I’m not cheating, you have to shoot yourself, too.” Steven, being a masochist and a fool, accepted. After the next hand, this is what happened.

If you look closely, even OJ (my badass, one-eyed cat) is like “DUDE WTF?!”

Sunday

I can’t even say anything about it. Went to a concert in what seemed like an abandoned zombie house. The bands were a bunch of people no one’s ever heard of (and for good reason –  you don’t mix metal and punk and get anything worth a damn). The fans were sweaty, hairy hipsters that are too cool to shower and thus smelled like fried taint. There was some pretty cool, strange artwork on the walls, though. That was okay. And we found what must be the door to Uncle Touchy’s Naked Puzzle Basement.

We all float down here.

Aside from that, I spent most of the night beside Steven’s car with a horrendous toothache. He didn’t want to leave, of course, because he was loving every minute of it. I swear, I might just have a heart attack if that boy ever develops a sense of taste.

Saints Row 2

This isn’t a review, this is just a notice to tell everyone that I have created the best Saint’s Row 2 character of all time. OF ALL TIME. In Uncle Touchy’s Naked Puzzle Basement, through the Candy Cane Forest, beyond the Gumdrop Mountains, lurks…the Warden. He is the last step in your daring escape from the Basement’s dark, pedophile-ridden depths. Smelling of sweat, Brut, and Zima, you face the only obstacle between you and freedom. He is the stuff of your nightmares, and he’s wants that booty.

Hey there sugah.

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Movies and More

No, this post isn’t a bunch of movie reviews. No, I didn’t go see Iron Man 2 this weekend and all of a sudden feel like a professional critic. However, I have a friend who did, and does. His name is Steven Reynolds, and you might remember him from my first post.

Doesn't everything about him just scream "cool"? >.>Everything about him screams “cool”, right? Right…?!

Just a couple of days ago, I was talking about my blog. I told Steven that it’s mainly just the random things I think about with just the right hint of sarcasm and cynicism that everyone loves, but I sometimes talk about movies/books/games etc. that I enjoyed (or particularly hated). Apparently, Steven didn’t know exactly how easy it is to start your own “little webpage” (he refuses to call them blogs) and post whatever the hell you want. He has some very…hm…forceful opinions, and can’t stand it when he doesn’t get the chance to vent them to someone. This is why he almost always comes to our house after watching a new movie or playing a new game: not to rub it in our faces, but to tell us what he thought about it.

Anyway, this post is to promote his “little webpage”, Movies and More, which he is currently building…that’s why there aren’t any posts yet. You can read his very direct, completely whatever-the-opposite-of-poetic-is reviews there. But I’ll warn you now: he’s very hard-hitting. Not Chris-Matthews, makes-you-wanna-punch-him-in-the-face hard-hitting, but he doesn’t pull any punches. No sugar coating when a movie is horrible, and no hesitation to give it the praise he feels it deserves. Since you already read my blog, you obviously don’t have a problem with (often-creative) vulgarity, but I still feel like I should tell you that it will be there…and it will be plentiful. The typical “I would give it 1 out of 5 stars” would sound more like “Yeeeeah, this movie sucked balls. Big, hairy balls”. A good movie normally described as “an action-packed adventure”, to Steven, is “a kick-ass movie with a bunch of cool fuckin’ explosions and shit.”

So if you want to read reviews from a 20-year-old with a 16-year-old mind and a 10-year-old vocabulary (and trust me, you do), then check out his blog. Even if you don’t want to read it, he likes to have petty arguments so he’s reeeeeally easy to troll.

Oh, and he also does music and video games and websites and stuff, not just movies.

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New Category: Reviews

Because giving my appropriately-undervalued opinion is one of my favorite hobbies, I’ve created a new category just for it: reviews. While most of these reviews will probably be for video games and other nerd-related paraphernalia, there are no restrictions for it. Anything I happen to particularly like – or particularly hate, for that matter – could end up here. Currently I’ll be using actual adjectives instead of a simple number scale rating system, but I might change it later.

Right now I’ll just be reviewing things that pertain to my rather-more-eventful-than-usual weekend. Keep in mind that I am no professional critic, nor am I a self-proclaimed connoisseur of anything. These are my opinions, written like a normal person, to be read and understood by normal people.

Movie: Kick-Ass – Gratuitous, unrealistic violence? Check. Lovably quirky-yet-believable characters? Check. World’s cutest homicidal ninja maniac? Check. Boring protagonist? …Unfortunately, check. The actual character of Kick-Ass is really pretty boring. I know he’s supposed to be a normal, nerdy, can’t-get-a-girlfriend high school student, but he’s too normal. You know why movies are unrealistic? Because reality is boring. We don’t go to movies to see the same things we could watch while sitting on our front porches. His two friends are pretty good characters, though. Their jokes compliment one another pretty well, and the chemistry is good. The love interest is as dumb as a bag of hammers, but as the damsel-in-distress in a superhero movie, that’s forgivable. Red Mist is, frankly, annoying as fuck. He’s an arrogant little rich kid whose super persona seems to be nothing more than a pampered emo douchebag with a nice car. Remember how everyone loved the Dark Knight not because of Batman, but because of the Joker? Kick-Ass is the same way: the protagonist holds the story together, but Big Daddy (yes, it’s actually a good Nic Cage role) and Hit Girl are the ones you paid to see. Where else can you see an 11-year-old girl utter the word “cunt” and sound totally badass? And anyone who says it’s “controversial” or “pedo bait” because Hit Girl is “sexualized” can bite my fuckin’ ass. She couldn’t be seen as sexy in any form of the word. Chris-goddamn-Hansen couldn’t find a problem with this. Overall, a great movie. If you’re even remotely nerdy or a fan of comics/superhero movies, you MUST go see it.

Bacardi Rum – For as dirt-cheap as it is, it’s not bad. It burns on the way down like any liquor, of course, but it gets the job done and doesn’t leave you wanting to kill yourself in the morning.

Angus Ribeye steaks – They’re Angus-motherfuckin’-ribeyes, almost $8 a pound. Of course they’re good.

Admiral Nelson’s Coconut Rum – Captain Morgan’s younger, trashier, cheaper cousin. Like before, it’s good for how cheap it is. You won’t want to drink it on the rocks, but blended in a Pina Colada it’s pretty damn awesome.

Copa de Oro Coffee Liqeur – Surprisingly good for its price. I used it to make my very first white russian, and I’m absolutely in love. I’ve made it house law to keep a bottle of this in the cabinet at all times.

Restaurant: Kanpai of Tokyo – Now I’m not an expert on Japanese cuisine by any means, but I sure do love me some Asian food, boy. But this place isn’t just about the food, it’s a show, which I thought was great because I love Japanese culture. It’s one of those hibachi…teppanyaki…what-the-fuck-ever restaurants where they cook the food in front of you. Hell, they charge you five bucks just for the show if you don’t order any food! Cory, Chris, and I all ordered fried rice with grilled chicken, filet mignon, and shrimp. Cory and I had vegetables (onion, zucchini, cabbage, and mushrooms). You get a choice of hot sauce, mustard sauce, white sauce (shrimp sauce), and ginger sauce. I got the last two, both of which were really good. I even looked up a recipe for the “white sauce”, that’s how friggin’ amazing it is. The portions are huge, as well. I got about two and a half meals out of my serving. On top of all that, it was free (Chris’s treat), and everyone knows that food tastes better when it’s free. But even if I did have to pay, I would definitely say it’s worth the money. The dishes range from about $20 up to almost $50 for the best steak and lobster money can buy. The huge servings, friendly service, entertaining show, and classy-yet-relaxed atmosphere mean it’s definitely worth it.

Game: Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning – If you play World of Warcraft, you don’t really have to play Warhammer. Aside from more realistic (and glitchier) graphics, I hardly saw any differences. A lot of people mentioned that the PvP (or RvR as it’s called in WAR) is much better, but I don’t like PvP at all so I didn’t give a shit.  Here’s an example of the similarities, that is, if you’ve played WoW: I played a Witch Elf (rogue), which starts with two daggers and very little clothing. I use smaller, quick attacks to generate Blood Lust (combo) points, then use bigger Frenzy attacks (finishing moves) that do more damage based on how many points I’ve saved up. Your currency is the same gold/silver/bronze (oh boy, what a twist) system. You join guilds, you travel in parties to take down more difficult enemies. Your professions are Cultivation (herbalism), Butchery (skinning), scavenging (skinning, but with humanoids), magical salvaging (disenchanting), apothecary (alchemy and first aid), and talisman making (jewelcrafting). The coolest thing that WAR has that WoW doesn’t are the PQ, or public quests. These quests are going on all the time, regardless of who is doing them. If you’re in the general area, you can participate. If all stages are completed, everyone rolls for loot based on participation and a number of other bonuses. It’s really fun, and encourages you to jump into groups and start working together. Basically: if you like WoW so much that you’re willing to pay an extra $15 a month to play a mechanically-identical game, then go right ahead. Enjoy yourself. If you’d rather spend that extra time playing WoW some more, you won’t be missing anything.

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